be careful what u wish for

Winebar last night was good, the company was excellent, i had a few laughs and everything as we went into the night. i bumped into one of his good friends. he seemed to have certain questions for me, but before he could ask i answered. i dont know, that part of last night jus brought back certain memories.

I remember how i asked you before what it would be like to be leading a life where you club almost every weekend, like some of our friends from secondary school? i remember your answer, that that's not the type of life you wanted, and you would never really fancy having to club even once a week. i think your answer got me going there to believe in you. when you told me you were hanging out with your colleagues, i let it go. when you told me this was kenny's night before going into army, i let it go. when you had all sorts of reasons to party, i let it go. but you seemed to enjoy it - an irony to your answer. and then, it seemed like you forgot your answer. i kept telling mysef that "hey, hes just lost for now. i can understand how the new lifestyle looks - fun and interactive, broadens your options, the people you know." but i guess you weren't just lost. you were changed. and you didnt want me in your new life, so you put it to convenience that "hey, its better i let you go now lest i hurt you even more down the road". i mean - heres a guy i spent 4 years with, talking to me about hurting me now and down the road like it was no big matter. it didnt mean that he would change the way he did things, he would just change me out. the easier alternative! i guess i was just not worth trying again, i was not reason enough for you to want to change. i blame myself for not being good enough.

And then i woke up today, thinking about you. i woke up today - planning my day to yours, like how you dont have trainings (other than monday and wednesday) and how it'd be good to meet you for dinner to unwind your mood so that you'd look forward to friday - which spells the end of the week for your work! to get a nice assuring hug that youre still mine, to hold your hands which were starting to feel rough and all from all the washing of heads (i know the difference; i held your hands for years), to feel your lips fill mine. then, i look at myself in the mirror and it hit me that you didnt want me anymore.